In a dramatic, unexpected press conference, US President Donald Trump has reportedly announced he “cannot defeat Iran, folks, not even a little bit,” before unveiling what he described as “the greatest apology package in the history of apologies.”
Standing in front of a hastily arranged backdrop of American flags, oil barrels, and what appeared to be a garden hose, President Trump addressed the world directly.
“I’ve screwed up biggly,” he said. “People are saying it. Smart people. The smartest. And I said, you know what, nobody does apologies better than me. Nobody. Not even close.”
In what analysts are calling “logistically baffling,” President Trump announced that the United States would immediately begin giving away “all of the fuel — every drop — tremendous fuel” to the rest of the world as compensation for what he described as “the situation, the whole situation, very complicated, very unfair to everybody.”
“We have the best fuel. The cleanest fuel. People come up to me with tears in their eyes, they say, ‘Sir, your fuel is incredible,’” he said.
“And now we’re giving it away. For free. Because I’m a very nice person. Probably the nicest.”
The plan, dubbed “Operation Sorry About That,” allegedly involves a fleet of pickup trucks, several decommissioned aircraft carriers, and “a really long extension cord,” though officials declined to clarify how the extension cord factored into fuel distribution.
Global leaders reacted with a mixture of confusion and cautious curiosity, with several countries reportedly asking whether the offer included shipping costs or if they would need to “bring their own jerry cans.”
Meanwhile in Australia, Pauline Hanson was quick to criticise the move, warning it could have unintended electoral consequences.
“I don’t like it,” she said.
“If Australians are not frightened out of their mind, they may not vote for One Nation.”
Senator Hanson reportedly asked her patron, mining magnate Gina Rinehart, to intervene and urge Trump to look at a calendar, or otherwise find a way to delay the fuel giveaway until after the Farrer by-election on May 9. However, President Trump insisted the plan was already underway.
“We’ve got trucks leaving as we speak. Beautiful trucks. Some of the best trucks. Heading everywhere — Europe, Asia, probably even the moon,” he said.
When asked by reporters how long the United States’ fuel reserves would last under the plan, Mr Trump responded confidently.
“A long time. Longer than anyone thinks. Maybe forever. We’ll see what happens.”
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